10/27/2025
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah
Dear Sir,
I hope this message finds you well, or at least better than when we last parted ways. I’m the guy in the black Burberry jacket—the one you decided to rob after pulling a knife on me and my girlfriend. I believe your exact words were, “Hand over the jacket, the purse, and the earrings, or else.” What followed was, shall we say, an unexpected turn of events.
First off, I owe you an apology. Not for what happened, mind you, but for how utterly unprepared you were for what happened next. You see, when you demanded my jacket, you overlooked a small but significant detail: I wasn’t wearing it because of the cold. I was wearing it because it concealed the Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol my girlfriend had just gifted me for my birthday. (A stunning weapon, really—classic design, incredible precision, and, as you discovered, rather intimidating when pointed directly at your forehead.)
When I drew my pistol, your reaction was… memorable. To put it delicately, you had a bit of an accident. I didn’t mean to scare the crap out of you—literally—but I guess the gravity of the situation hit you a little harder than I anticipated.
Now, let’s talk about your departure. I thought it best to ensure you wouldn’t be calling for reinforcements or making a hasty getaway, so I relieved you of a few items: your shoes, wallet, and cell phone. Walking home barefoot with a messy situation in your pants couldn’t have been pleasant, and for that, I’m truly sorry. But hey, consider it a character-building experience!
Oh, and about your wallet: it turned out to be a real treasure trove of goodwill. I first called your mom—listed as “Momma” in your contacts—to let her know what you’d been up to. She seemed disappointed but not entirely surprised. After that, I decided to spread some good karma with your credit card.
I started by filling up my gas tank—thanks for that! Then, I paid it forward by fueling up the vehicles of four strangers at the gas station. One of them had a massive RV that guzzled 153 gallons, and let me tell you, he was thrilled.
Your cash went to a homeless man outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s pizza joint. He was so touched, he nearly cried. I gave him your shoes too—he needed them more than you did, I figured.
As for your wallet itself, I felt it needed a dramatic send-off. I tossed it into a garish pink “pimp mobile” parked nearby. But not before I gave the car a little makeover—keying the entire driver’s side and introducing your wallet to its windshield and side window. (Artistic expression, you know?)
So, my dear would-be mugger, I hope this serves as a life lesson for you. Maybe next time, think twice before threatening someone with a knife. You never know when you might run into a recently returned combat Marine with a loaded pistol, a sense of humor, and an appreciation for irony.
All the best in your future endeavors (preferably legal ones),
The Guy in the Burberry Jacket
