29/05/2026
Grief and Voluntary Assisted Dying.
Lauren Newman, Tree of Life Funerals.
I completed my End-of-Life Doula training through Preparing the Way (PTW) and they continue to provide education and support.
A recent Blog post by PTW spoke in depth about their findings involving Voluntary Assisted Dying (VAD) and I was so pleased to see this latest post which speaks on this.
I have long been advocating for more support for the families of the people who have chosen VAD.
Part of the PTW Blog says:
“The person who is dying is, of course, central. Their suffering, their choices, their dignity, their clarity, their fear and their wishes all matter. And they are not the only people affected. VAD happens inside families, friendships, communities, belief systems, histories, old wounds, love, fear and grief.
One of the clearest threads to emerge was that families can support a decision and still feel deeply conflicted. These two things are not opposites. A daughter, husband, partner, friend or sibling may absolutely understand why their person has chosen VAD. They may believe in that person’s right to choose. They may advocate for them, sit beside them, help with appointments, protect their wishes, and speak up when others do not understand. And still, somewhere inside, there may be a quieter voice saying, “But why are you leaving me?” or “Why can’t you stay a little longer?” or “Why aren’t you fighting for us?”
That is not judgement. That is grief”.
For a person who has chosen VAD and their family, an end of life doula fits in on the human level.
Doulas can hold the questions that do not always belong to the doctor, the nurse, the navigator or the funeral director and provide many personal services which simply aren’t offered elsewhere.
As the PTW blog says “For some families, after-death care can be a way for love to keep moving. This is something many end of life doulas understand deeply. When someone dies, especially after a planned death, the people who are still present can be carrying so much feeling that has nowhere to go.
Gentle, family-led after-death care can give grief a way to be expressed and shared. Sitting with the person, washing their face, shaving them, dressing them, placing flowers, opening a window, lighting a candle, telling stories, keeping vigil for a while, or creating a simple ritual can help the death become part of a wider story of care rather than only the moment of medication.
This is not about telling families what they should do. Some will want the funeral director to come quickly. Some will choose direct cremation and feel completely at peace with that. Others may later realise that the simplicity that suited the person dying did not fully meet the grief needs of the people left behind.
We need to be able to ask, gently and without agenda: What will help this family farewell? What will help this grief move? What will help love complete the next step?
Also, Doulas need to clearly understand the legislation in their state or territory, their scope of practice, the language they use, their own beliefs, the risk of coercion, the need for neutrality, and the difference between support and persuasion. The person and their family deserve support that is steady, informed, compassionate and free of hidden agenda.
That does not mean doulas become advocates for VAD. It means we become advocates for good care, truthful conversations, family support, grief literacy, choice, preparation and dignity. It means we can sit with people in the realness of what is in front of them. We can support the person who is dying, and we can also ask: Who is supporting the person who is supporting them?
Voluntary assisted dying is not only about the person who chooses it. It is about the circle around them. It is about the person who makes the phone calls, sits awake at night, holds the secret, supports the decision, feels the fear, prepares the room, witnesses the death, calls the funeral director, and wakes up the next morning in a world that has changed.
As end of life doulas, we are well placed to serve in this space, but only if we do so with humility, education, ethical clarity and heart.
We are not there to replace doctors, nurses, navigators, counsellors, palliative care teams or funeral directors. We are there to bring the human thread, to help people talk, prepare, help them ask questions they did not know they were allowed to ask, help families understand that their mixed feelings are not a failure of love, and to help grief find a shape.
I have found that, as a funeral director as well as an end of life doula, I am able to offer much more support to the dying person and their families than a "regular" funeral director and I can approach a VAD event, or any end of life situation with great care, compassion and understanding.
To read the full Blog from PTW, and for further information on VAD grief and support resources, please see:
Voluntary assisted dying affects everyone in the circle. What families, carers and end of life doulas need to know about VAD grief.