Goffstown Ghostbusters

05/10/2026

🌷👻 Happy Mother’s Day from the Goffstown Ghostbusters! 👻🌷

Today we honor the moms who:

* hear strange noises at 2 AM and investigate anyway,
* somehow keep tiny humans alive and on schedule,
* survive minivans that smell like melted crayons and soccer cleats,
* and can neutralize chaos faster than a Class-7 full roaming v***r can cause it

Honestly, no proton pack on Earth is stronger than a mom carrying six grocery bags, a coffee, and everyone’s emotional stability at the same time.

To all the mothers, grandmothers, stepmothers, foster moms, and honorary moms out there:

Thank you for keeping the world from turning into a complete catastrophe. 💐

If you hear mysterious footsteps today, don’t worry.
It’s probably just your kids sneaking in breakfast and burnt toast.

05/03/2026

🚨📞 PSA FROM GOFFSTOWN GHOSTBUSTERS HQ 📞🚨

After a full week of absolutely zero reported paranormal activity… we are suddenly receiving an overwhelming number of calls about “haunted schools.”

Interesting timing. Very interesting. 🤔

Reports include:
👻 Mysterious noises that apparently waited until the night before school to begin
👻 Lockers that have been “aggressively haunted” despite being untouched for 7 days
👻 An “ancient spirit” that seems suspiciously aligned with tomorrow’s math quiz

After careful investigation, we’ve identified the phenomenon as:
👉 Last-Night-of-Vacation Panic Poltergeists

While we admire the creativity, please be advised:
📚 A ghost cannot complete your homework
📚 A haunting does not excuse attendance
📚 And no, we will not “contain” your first day back

Our teams remain on standby for legitimate supernatural threats… not the return of early mornings.

Pack your bags, set your alarms… and face the horror head-on.

05/01/2026

We at the Goffstown Ghostbusters recognize how expensive things are right now. Gas, food, housing… the list goes on 📈

In an effort to mitigate the impact on you, we’ve created the attached guide to help determine your next steps when facing a haunting:

Whether that means seeking professional assistance, attempting a “safe” DIY solution, or considering a strategic relocation to a different ZIP code depending on the severity of activity 🧭🏠

Because while we can’t fix the economy, we can at least help you decide when it’s worth calling in people who own nuclear-powered backpacks ⚡🎒

04/19/2026

Swung into the Village Trestle. Saw something familiar hanging on the bar!

04/14/2026

I don’t blame them really.

04/07/2026

One of my favorites.

04/05/2026

🚨 EASTER PARANORMAL UPDATE 🚨

Issued with new information from the Philadelphia Ghostbusters

As many of you are waking up and beginning Easter celebrations, we need to make you aware of a developing situation tied to a previously reported ectoplasmic leak near Hershey at a facility operated by The Hershey Company (where your Cadbury egg was made)

Overnight analysis has confirmed the following:

👉 Affected products were distributed before containment was completed.
👉 Those products are now in circulation.
👉 Yes… that includes Easter baskets.

⸻

🐣 WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU 🐣

Some Cadbury Creme Egg units may currently contain residual ectoplasmic energy within the cream filling.

In simpler terms:
A small number of Easter eggs may be… haunted.

⸻

⚠️ SIGNS OF AFFECTED EGGS ⚠️

Please check baskets before consumption. Indicators include:

• Eggs that feel slightly warm or vibrating
• Wrappers that appear… re-sealed from the inside
• Cream filling that pulses, shifts, or observes you
• Faint phrases such as “wait” or “not yet” upon opening

⸻

🚫 DO NOT:
• Eat the egg if it acknowledges your presence
• Shake the egg “to see what happens”
• Assume children are imagining things

⸻

✅ DO:
• Isolate suspicious eggs immediately
• Place in a non-conductive container (plastic is fine, Easter grass is not)
• Contact your local Ghostbusters franchise for pickup and containment

⸻

The Philadelphia Ghostbusters are actively working the source of the contamination, but due to the timing of Easter distribution, full recall is not possible at this time.

Neighboring regions, including New England, should consider this a low-level but active confectionery haunting event.

⸻

We understand this is not the Easter surprise anyone was hoping for.
Please proceed with caution, check all candy, and remember:

If the egg speaks first… it’s not candy anymore. 🥚

04/01/2026

🚨 Goffstown Ghostbusters Public Advisory 🚨

We are currently responding to a widespread increase in post-life boundary violations across multiple cemeteries in town.

At approximately 2:13 AM, several entities were observed crossing established graveyard property lines and entering nearby streets and residential areas. This is a direct violation of the long-standing Interdimensional Boundary Agreement of 1897.

Residents may notice:
• Unexplained footsteps behind them (with no one there)
• Doors opening politely… then not so politely
• Individuals in outdated clothing asking what year it is
• General “lingering” behavior on porches, sidewalks, and lawns

Our team is actively working home-by-home to relocate these entities back to their designated resting areas. Containment is ongoing, but progress is steady.

👉 What you should do:
• Do NOT invite unknown entities inside (yes, this still applies)
• Avoid engaging in long conversations with anyone who refers to you as “the current occupant”
• If approached, calmly state: “You are outside your permitted haunting zone” and back away slowly
• Report persistent hauntings to our hotline

We understand this may be unsettling, but please remain patient as we restore order to the spirit realm.

We will provide updates as the situation develops.

— Goffstown Ghostbusters

👻 Reminder: Even in the afterlife, property lines matter.

03/17/2026

Afternoon Update from the Goffstown Ghostbusters regarding Saint Patrick’s Day activity:

We would once again like to remind residents that we specifically advised against attempting to capture leprechauns.

Despite that guidance, our team has spent the entire day responding to cereal box traps, shoe box traps, bucket traps, and what appeared to be an elaborate Lucky Charms–based containment system.

As a result:

• Multiple leprechauns have been released back into the wild
• Several technicians have been bitten
• Green glitter is now permanently embedded in our uniforms
• Morale is… declining

For the record, leprechauns are small, extremely fast, and very angry about being captured before breakfast. Or after breakfast. Really at all

At this time the Goffstown Ghostbusters are continuing trap removal operations across town, though we are rapidly approaching our professional limit for leprechaun-related incidents in a single day.

If you currently have a trap deployed, please deactivate it immediately.

Also, if anyone knows how to remove industrial quantities of green glitter, our team would appreciate the advice.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, Goffstown.

Please stop trapping the leprechauns. ☘️👻

01/28/2026

Looks fun!

In case you missed it in the excitement of yesterday's post about our revival of Old Home Day, vendor registration is live! Join us June 6th for a day of community fun and hometown celebration. To apply and find more information, scan the QR code or visit https://www.goffstownmainstreet.org/old-home-day